Coming Home, and How to Survive Well in This World
The world is struggling to find peace and meaning. That has been going on since humanity appeared, and maybe even before that. Sometimes that struggle for peace and meaning is expressed by aggression, or withdrawal, or addictive behavior, or other unhelpful approaches.
These negative behaviors are intended to achieve a goal i.e. to make life better: aggression wants to force what is “right,” but cannot achieve that because others will resent and resist; withdrawal is intended to accomplish being free of conflict, but cannot achieve that because the conflict has its root in our own minds; addictive behaviors (substance abuse, workaholism, gambling, sexual or eating excesses, and so on) are intended to distract from painful isolation and confusion, but the distraction can only last relatively briefly and often in the end makes the isolation and confusion worse.
What is a home?
So, where can we find peace, meaning, and rewarding connection with others? I believe that what we refer to as “home” is really pointing to some positive experience, not to a physical structure such as a house or apartment. Our true home is compassion, kindness, joyfulness, and peace. And these are aspects of a truly liberated mind and body.
A house or any place of residence can act as a home, but what that really depends on is the heartfelt connections of the people in that place, and the caring and wise life that those people are living. Every residence is not necessarily a home, and some people never find a home where they can experience the joys of a peaceful and truly meaningful life.
And what does the news tell us?
Expanding to a larger stage, every day there are items in the news and in the life around us that point out how confused the world is, and how much suffering there is.
What made me write today was my sadness when reading about a Korean actress, Kim Sae-ron. You can read more here, if you wish. She is believed to have committed suicide due to (BBC’s words) “negative press coverage and hate online.” The negativity was related to a drunk driving incident she had in 2022. There have been other famous people, as well as grade school and college students, who were hounded in the news or online until they killed themselves.
For me, reading about the wars in Ukraine, Sudan, Middle East, and Congo, and about most other world news, adds to the awareness of confusion at a larger scale. I will add that I avoid spending too much time focusing on the news, and try to work instead on more positive actions that I can initiate. Some people I know are trying to swallow the river of negative news, and that does not work very well.
Reading about an individual like Kim Sae-ron (whom I had never heard of before this but who is very well known in South Korea) brings out for me the importance of each individual. It has a more immediate impact than reading about world events and political “leaders.”
When I read a story like hers, I am prompted to wonder what she went through since 2022 that caused her to end her life; I am sure it was very difficult for her. And I still wonder what allows people to inflict so much pain on another person. We may have some sense of an answer to that question, but it is still difficult for me to grasp actions of that kind. It makes me feel a lot of sadness.
We can shed light
Since 2019 I have been offering free talks on compassionate (nonviolent) communication as well as on Zen and Buddhism. For me, these are approaches toward finding our true home.
The founder of Buddhism, when asked for a simple summary of teachings of Buddhism, said “Practice all kinds of good, avoid doing harm, and purify the mind.”
A later story refers to a Zen teacher who was asked a similar question and offered a similar response. The questioner then said, “But this is so simple, even a three-year-old child understands that!” The teacher replied, “A three-year-old child may know that, but even an eighty-year-old person has a hard time to do it.”
Any sophisticated teaching needs to be based on understanding of our human nature, and focused on illuminating and liberating our inherent compassion and wisdom. Practice good, avoid doing harm, and take good care of your mind so you can see clearly what is around you and inside you. Eventually, you can find compassion, kindness, joyfulness, and peace.
How to respond to our world’s reality
This leaves the question: what are we supposed to do given the chaos going on in our world?
World leaders are often focused on highly material aspects of governing. Material action is necessary, but if it is not in alignment with wisdom and compassion, it will fall short, sometimes catastrophically. When a person forgets the ethical, humane, and mindful basis needed for actions to be positive, including in government, trouble can easily result.
The same is true for individuals in all aspects of life. An ethical, humane, and mindful way of life is essential if we are to benefit both ourselves and others. Regarding earning a living, if we are truly aware of self and others in our speech and actions, we can happily earn a living in almost any role, as long as it does not hurt others.
The analysis can be more complex for someone who works for an organization that harms its workers, or is somewhat dishonest as an organization, or damages the environment or society as a whole. If we can migrate towards a livelihood that benefits others, that can be helpful, but not everyone can do so. In that case, our individual actions can still be ethical, humane, and mindful — until perhaps we have an opportunity, or create an opportunity, to engage in a more heartfelt and positive occupation.
Living wisely
My father worked in helping found and support the union that protects hotel and motel workers. He was actually my step-father, and he entered my life when I was 11 years old. He was far more of a real father to me than my biological father, and I came to understand his kindness and wisdom over nearly 50 years before he died at age 98. I wish I could share with everyone that heart and mind I came to know.
He told me how, when he first encountered that hotel / motel union early during its founding, he was struck by the exploitation and misery of the workers, who had no rights and were expected to work seven days a week (“If you don’t work Sunday, don’t come in Monday”).
That situation has changed dramatically due to union organization and action over the years since the late 1930s. He became a senior leader in that union, and devoted his life to keeping the union effective to protect workers. His role was to negotiate practical and protective agreements with management of the hotel industry; part of that was conveying to owners that the good of the workers was also good for their business, and sometimes the power of collective action for the good of the workers was essential.
Finding meaning everywhere
I believe that helping suffering workers was the kind of mission that ennobles a life. When I saw him in his work at the union office (I worked there for two summers while in college), I saw how well he treated everyone there, and the awareness he had of each person’s needs. One of the staff there said to me, “When they made your father, they broke the mold.” Hearing that touched me and has stayed with me fifty years later.
In any job, and in every interaction in daily life, it is possible to treat others well. We can give attention to the individual experience of each person we encounter, and work for the common good.
In addition, in my path some time for meditation and time away from the activities of life is also important, to allow a deeper peacefulness and opening of awareness. But my engagement with others, whether doing psychotherapy work, giving talks, or teaching Tai Chi Chuan, is for me a wonderful experience. Fortunately, most people with whom I engage for this work also feel that it is helpful.
Living the natural mind, not the habitual mind
Our natural mind is compassionate and wise. But we may not always express our natural mind; instead we may act in habitual ways that can do some harm (as well as some good) to others and ourselves. Mahatma Gandhi said “Don’t mix up that which is habitual with that which is natural.” That is what he was talking about.
So please go through each day aware of how much each person is trying to live a better life, and trying to escape suffering, and trying to make a difference in the world. This applies even to very confused political leaders! When we have that awareness, we are already leading a more natural and helpful life.
Whether in personal life or on the world stage, confused people do hurtful actions, but if we can keep in mind that this is part of the struggle of humanity to be better, we can feel sad with the confusion that is evident, and can be motivated and focused on that which is a remedy to the confusion. That is how we can help others and ourselves find our true homes.
Our natural minds understand everything intuitively. Anne Frank wrote even as a young teen, while in hiding during the Second World War, “In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” The longer quote is also worth reading.
Summary
Make sure you have relationships and community that are supportive and insightful. It is not necessary to be friends with those who are difficult in their beliefs and actions, but it is also important not to hold hatred or contempt for those individuals. There is an old saying that the person who is foolish today may surprise us with their goodness tomorrow (or in the next moment, or many years later).
My goal in writing here has been to help put our current life, from what is happening where we live through to what happens nationally and internationally, in a context of wisdom and compassion, so that we can each feel some peace while also helping make life better for our fellow human beings and for the planet.
