Our strong energy, our wonderful feelings of expansion and well-being in life, are often embedded in and hidden by what are felt as challenging or risky emotional situations. The riches that we all have in us can be covered over by our conditioning and pre-programmed doubts and expectations.
This anxiety about challenging situations can be compared to the sun being covered by thunderclouds; the sun is always shining, but if we are behind an intense storm of anxiety, it is hard to stay aware of the beautiful sunlight that is behind those clouds. And it is hard to drive on the road of life on a dark, rainy, windy highway, so the anxiety has some basis in reality!
However, being aware that there is always positive energy going on, behind the storm of thoughts and feelings, is an important starting point for facing and enjoying difficult conversations successfully. Another needed part of the solution is having specific approaches to communicating and listening effectively, without shaming or blaming the other person. That is where the study of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), about which I often speak, comes into play
Our inner nature wants us to face and resolve the blocked energies we are holding, sometimes for years, and to share the good energy and love that are released. This resolution is for our well-being and the well-being of those who are in our lives!
We often choose partners in life that will challenge our blockages through their own, differing personality structure. This can be both an opportunity for growth and a very uncomfortable experience.
Let me give a slightly altered example from my work in couples therapy; you can imagine a similar situation that is relevant in your life. I have removed gender references since they are not helpful here. Here is the example:
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Your significant other has come home late from their work every work day for the last three weeks. Not at midnight but close to 9pm, and you know that in the past the job has always stopped work by about 5:30pm.
You ask, “Why have you been getting home so late recently?” and the answer you get is “The job will be requiring more hours for a while” and she / he sounds annoyed with the question you asked, and with you.
What do you do next? You are also not feeling happy! In your case, you are unhappy with the lateness pattern and unhappy with the tone of the response you received.
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What might be a casual and easily settled discussion for some couples can instead lead to a major argument, and did so in this case. If ignored, there is more accumulated resentment and confusion about what to do until eventually the feeling of discomfort leads to a sudden expression of the previously guarded feelings, and often in a dramatic and distressing manner.
Finding a way to express deeper needs and feelings as they become apparent, and being able to listen for those in another person, makes life more fulfilling and improves relationships. Difficult conversations can be between any two people, whether parent / child, co-workers, manager / employee, and so on. The more important and more intimate the relationship, the more likely it is that the thought of having a “difficult conversation” will provoke anxiety.
So, what to do in the specific example outlined above?
First of all, it is good to remind yourself that fundamentally everyone wants to be happy. And everyone wants to be liked or loved even if they do not make that obvious to see. Specifically, your partner / spouse / child / parent / etc. ultimately wants that as well. The question to look at is: how do we connect with those light, positive forces even when clouds are covering the sun?
Second, we can remind ourselves of our options if we are anticipating rejection of our outreach by the other person. When we hear critical or harsh words directed towards us by another person, we can choose to:
The first two choices tend to lead either to an argument or to clamming up, leading to feeling depressed, isolated, and perhaps angry. The third and fourth choices tend to lead to more awareness and eventually to more connection and to improvement in the relationship. If we know how to stay firmly in options 3. and 4., we need not fear the difficult conversation.
Can you think of a past difficult situation you dealt with? Can you point to one (or more) of the above options that you chose and acted on?
In the example we are examining, the person at home could say many things. One choice worth mentioning is to say and do nothing. But in that case the resentment and discomfort will continue and will grow, especially if the upsetting lateness continues to occur. Even if the workplace is genuinely requiring long hours and the job is worth keeping, the discomfort being felt should be resolved in an open, caring conversation, for the benefit of both parties.
Another choice would be to say something like “You are always late. Don’t you care about me at all?” What kind of response might that statement receive? And what feelings could it stimulate from the significant other (spouse, partner, or other important relationship)?
Another choice: “You have been late from work for weeks now. I need you to promise to stop doing that by the end of this week!” What kind of response might that statement receive? And what feelings could it stimulate from the significant other?
Yet another choice: “Just quit that damn job. This is ridiculous.” What kind of response might that statement receive? And what feelings could it stimulate from the significant other?
Last, one more choice of response: “I am feeling worried and alone on weekdays recently, because I really enjoy the time we used to have in the evening, even on weekdays, and we have not had that in the last few weeks. Are you willing to explain why this new schedule is really needed by your employer, and if it is, how long this will go on? I miss you when you get home so late and are tired, and on top of that I am also worried about your health since you come home seeming really exhausted and have not been sleeping very well at night.”
What kind of response might this last statement receive? And what feelings could it stimulate from the significant other?
You can probably guess that I recommend something resembling the last choice. It may be a bit lengthy as an initial statement, but if we are not seeing the statement through a lens of anxiety, it is a good expression of what that person is experiencing. It is important to make clear through well-chosen words and tone that you are not attacking the other person but rather have some needs and feelings that the other person deserves to know about, for the benefit of each other and the relationship.
You value the relationship, and want to have open communication that will bring you both closer. For that reason, it is important to be clear that your goal is not to shame or blame or pressure your significant other to do what you want, nor is your goal to “win” by proving that you were correct. The goal is mutual understanding. Once there is deep, empathic understanding choices of action (aka “strategy”) are much easier to make.
Join us this Saturday December 7th from 11am to 12:30pm Eastern Time to look more closely at the dynamics of difficult conversations and what makes them difficult. Most important, we will practice looking more deeply at the feelings and needs we have, and that other people in our life have.
