The Fundamental Identity of Nonviolent Communication, Zen, and Psychotherapy

This past summer, in August, I brought my partner Tildet and two of our adult children to the countryside of Denmark for a nine-day intensive workshop experience, practicing and enjoying Nonviolent Communication (NVC), in an event organized by the Center for Nonviolent Communication. We also took advantage of a few additional days of Copenhagen exploration on our own.

All four of us found the intensive workshop stimulating and fulfilling. Why? Because a community of people gathered together with a shared goal of opening to and connecting with each other, and that is already a healthy start. It fills a fundamental human need, the need to dissolve feelings of isolation through the understanding and expression of our essential unity with others.

There were many experiential exercises where in various contexts we spoke of our insights, histories, hopes, excitement, and at times, pain. Picture getting to know about 70 other people more quickly than would normally happen in a year or more. By its nature, openness is spontaneous and unstructured, so the nouns I chose above could have been any number of other words. An often-quoted Zen expression says that words are pointers to understanding, but are not the understanding itself.

I want to add, being in Denmark felt like being part of a happy society. Everyone, including pedestrians, the numerous bicycles, and cars, obeys the street signals such as red lights even if no one else is around. Bicycles are everywhere, all going in the direction they should be going (unlike Manhattan). People swim naked and leave the water naked, even around strangers, and even in the heart of Copenhagen. There is a friendly and trusting feeling in the air among the residents of Copenhagen. This leads Denmark to be consistently ranked one of the happiest nations in the world.

You can see some photos from the workshop and from Copenhagen before and after the workshop, at the bottom of this article.

But back to my purpose in writing today’s message: my purpose is to shed light on the value of connection and community, and to see how that relates to personal insight and experience. Connection and letting down the walls of isolation also corresponds with important aspects of Zen and with psychotherapy. Yes, they are all related.

How are they related? Well, I am a “fundamentalist,” if that word is meant to express an understanding that there is a fundamental principle which unites good communication, religion, and psychotherapy, as well as each moment of daily life. What is that fundamental, underlying principle? 

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), empathy is the most important basis for all other aspects of communication, and only empathy or connection makes communication fully nonviolent. In Zen, one way the same principle is spoken of is with the word “impermanence“, which also indicates that there is no permanent self. Awareness of that reality leads to wide-open empathy or compassion. And finally, effective psychotherapy is based on an authentic, empathic connection between the therapist and the client, again letting down the walls of isolation.

Regarding impermanance, look inside yourself for a few moments. Can you locate a permanent self, an “I”? If you say that awareness is your self, then I ask you: who or what is observing that awareness? Where does it start? Please reflect on that.

When seventy-one of us (plus support staff) got together in the intensive workshop, we experienced many moments of spontaneity, connection with others, and opening up of insight with a feeling of expansion. I counseled a number of people there, and gave two classes for the staff running the retreat center. It all felt joyful and fulfilling for me.

In Zen, the realization that we attain peace and wisdom together with others and not in isolation, is a fundamental teaching. Because our human nature is imbued with compassion and kindness, that nature springs to life when we share generously of ourselves with others, including listening empathically to others.

There is an old saying, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” This concept exists in every religion including Zen / Buddhism. The apparent separation of inside and outside, self and other, are in some ways illusory. When we value others through unattached generosity, we create connection and loosen the harsh walls of separation.

Can you find a community that supports your growth into peace and wisdom? Do you have it in a religious community? A beautiful yoga class that is not limited to physical training? Tai Chi Chuan studies that are truly grounded and awakening? A supportive psychotherapy relationship?

Regarding psychotherapy, the deepest purpose is not only to help understand and fully come to terms with one’s past, but to find purpose and inspiration in life that goes beyond one’s life story. A popular and succinct phrase to use is “I am not my story.” We can each achieve awareness and action that we never (or rarely) dreamed of while growing up.

In addition to the above support systems, a strong intimate relationship in marriage or other such dedicated relationship can also fill the need for connection and growth, but often those in a relationship or marriage are caught up with habitual ideas that cause difficulty. At one point in my life I needed to be more aware of this. I remember reading the book Is It Love or Is It Addiction?, which was eye-opening for me at the time.

The challenge for every human being is how to live a fully natural and spiritual life while also being engaged with the activities of this world. In the Buddhist tradition, there is the important concept of the Three Treasures or Three Jewels to help us on our way. These are 1) a wise and caring teacher who understands truth, 2) the truth of the nature of our life and how to awaken, and 3) a community devoted to understanding and supporting each other on this path.

I said earlier that I am a fundamentalist. For me, that means Nonviolent Communication, Zen / Buddhism, and even psychotherapy are fundamentally about one thing: helping to relieve the suffering that people, and other beings, experience. These three approaches use differing language and methods, but as I experience it, they are all about the same purpose: helping to relieve suffering. If that is not the purpose, what would their value be?

The world is full of suffering and confusion, and perhaps it has always been that way. The daily news certainly brings that to our attention, and it can be hard to absorb the extreme suffering that many are experiencing around the world at this moment.

But there is also a way out of that suffering and confusion for each of us. That way is an individual path but at the same time, it is a path which unites us with everyone. There is much more that can be said about the topic, but that could fill many thousands of pages, and in fact it does!

I am giving free webinars and online workshops on these topics, and have been doing so since 2019. You can check them out and sign up if you decide you are interested and can make it.

May this coming year be the best one yet, for you and for all of us. Most of us reading this message are very lucky that we are in countries and environments that are relatively peaceful, although that does not guarantee that we are personally at peace.

May we appreciate the peace that we do have, while also trying to use words and actions that spread peace and wisdom to all human beings and to all beings, and to the planet.